The inequities between the parental rights of a separated
father and a mother are one of the greatest civil injustices in our society
today. While our society continually
decries the absence of fathers, it fails to acknowledge how difficult it is for
fathers to be granted even a modicum of visitation rights without the mothers
consent. In a less than amicable
relationship between a father and mother, the mother can punish the father at
will, usually to the detriment of the children, by simply leveraging the
backing of the courts routinely and biasedly afforded to her because she is the
mother. If the father tries to make a
case for justice, the mother needs to do nothing more than make a few
unsubstantiated, false, treacherous accusations against him and her will is a
done deal as far as the courts are concerned.
Any father unfortunate enough to have the mother of his children be
willing to commit this level of dishonesty, treachery (and perjury), may as
well sign any document she puts in front of him right there.
Any push for something that resembles justice will cost him
many tens of thousands of dollars and he could easily end up losing even more
custody when the mother fights back. The
attorneys appoint parenting evaluators and psychologists. They will take the
mother at her word and expect the father to do the impossible task of proving
otherwise. The bias continues as whatever
the father has to say falls on deaf ears.
Unless the children’s lives are proven to be in danger from the mother,
she will receive the custody she desires. The attorneys charge exurbanite fees and are
proud of what they do. I don’t know how
they can be, since they are helping to create a fatherless society. This is not
the type of legality you would expect to find in family courts and because of
this, many fathers fight with every penny they have thinking justice will
prevail. Once their pocketbooks are empty, the attorneys will convince them
they don’t have a chance and will push for a swift settlement. They know exactly
how much money he has because one of the first documents they require is a
financial assessment.
I have found this
divorce scenario to be well-known among the general populace and almost
everyone I speak with has either had a personal experience with it or is
acquainted with someone who has. Yet
somehow this issue has not been raised to the level that will turn the heads of
our legislators and judicial leaders (many of them are attorneys) who buckle
under to the family courts and women’s rights organizations.
I have a few questions for the family courts. Are the attorneys
themselves biased or are they not able to fight the bias within the courts? Why
are the women believed and not the men?
Why do the courts consider the man guilty until proven innocent rather
than innocent until proven guilty? Why
do the courts not listen to the children when they say they want to live with
their father? Why in this day and age, when
it’s considered acceptable for both the mother and father to work outside the
home, and the father is expected to contribute his fair share at home, do the
courts have the antiquated and biased notion that the mother is somehow
superior as a parent? If the woman is
considered to be a superior parent, why are two men allowed to adopt? Since women
want and deserve to have equality in the workplace, isn’t it just to give the
man equality at home and with his children? If a woman has chosen to stay at
home and was fortunate to have a husband that could support her while she did
this, one cannot automatically assume she is the superior parent. It could be
that one of the reasons the man is divorcing her is because she didn’t properly
care for the children and he is concerned for their physical health and mental
stability. Why do the children’s lives have to be in danger before they are
taken from the mother? Have woman’s
rights become so powerful in some areas that they have interfered with the
justice process? I believe all of the above because my family
has experienced it.
In today’s world, fathers have no rights, nor do their
children. The woman is not held accountable for what she says; in fact she is
rewarded by the courts for lying. The courts play God and subsequently the
father and his children are separated. I
know personally of a case where two boys, (I will not give names) ages 10 and
14 told everyone they could, including the parent evaluator, that they wanted
to live with their father. The parent
evaluator (also an attorney) and the psychologist with a PHD deemed him a fit
parent. They were not able to determine
a single thing wrong with his parenting skills however, the mother and her
attorney sister orchestrated so many horrendous lies; no one would listen to
the children, the father or anyone (there were many letters) trying to defend
him. The attorney sister should have been disbarred for her part in the lies; instead,
apparently she was given credence by her fellow attorneys. The father was
awarded Thursday night through Sunday night one week and one day the following
week. It’s been a year and the children
are still very vocal about wanting to live with their father. They have begun to do poorly in school and the
younger one complains that his mother has anger issues and yells at them all the
time. He also complains he is fed
terribly and on dirty dishes. When he
arrives after school at his fathers for his father’s parenting time, he is
always in dirty torn clothing, unkempt hair and in need of a bath. The family
courts were informed about this by the father and his family during the
divorce. However, they chose not to
believe it or they really didn’t care as long as the boys showed up clean for
the interviews and were not proven to be in mortal danger.
All of the people involved in the legal process drained the
father’s revenue so he is no longer able to fight it. It’s heartbreaking for the father and his
entire family, the grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends who
have lost a large amount of the wonderful and important contact they have had
with these boys since they were born. The
mother will not even allow the boys to attend their cousins’ birthday parties
when they beg to go. She is in charge
and she is making sure everyone knows it. Her position of authority given to her by the
courts and fear of losing her revenue from child support, takes precedence over
her children’s happiness. The worst thing about this whole situation is that
the boys will have to pay for the rest of their lives for this inept decision
making by the family courts. The younger boy has told us many times, “I told
them I wanted to live with my Dad”. It’s heart wrenching to say the least. We tell both the boys that their father wants
them more than anything and that he did everything he could to get them but,
the courts wouldn’t allow it. What impressions must they be acquiring when they
were let down by the people that were supposed to help them? We are very
concerned for their future welfare and happiness. No wonder there are so many defiant
and angry children in the world.
In the meantime, the father has spent everything he has and
more on attorneys who failed to defend him and now he is ordered to pay his ex-wife
half of everything he had at the onset of the divorce (before he paid the attorneys),
pay alimony for five years, and pay full support for the children who were
taken away from him. He suffers
financially, but not nearly as much as he suffers emotionally with the loss of
his children who heartbreakingly say they want to spend more time with him. You
can’t really explain this to them in a way that makes sense because it doesn’t.
Often mothers who lie
about the father in order to gain custody will tell the children their father
no longer wants them or cares about them and that everything is his fault.
Often, she will even show anger towards the children when they ask to spend
more time with their father. The boys told us this occurred. We are fortunate
that in our case the boys are old enough and wise enough to know their father
wants them. What they don’t understand
is why they can’t be with him. Neither
does anyone else.
Unless a mother is wise enough to see the value of a loving
father and his extended family in their children’s lives and is willing to
share custody for the children’s sakes, the father and children will both
loose. This is so wrong on every level. It’s
unfathomable to me that it can be happening in a society that proclaims “justice
for all”. Let’s face it, its justice for women and to hell with the men.
In order to be equitable, women’s rights should add men’s
rights to their agenda. They need both
sides of the issues to insure that they are not crying wolf. They are a valuable and needed organization
that will lose some creditability if they allow themselves to be exploited by unscrupulous
women at the man’s expense. Women and
children need to be protected from abuse but this is not the way. You can’t assume every man is guilty just
because he has been accused. Women know
this works. They know when they falsely
cry abuse; the man will be abused by the system. When one group gets so much power that they
are able to step on the rights of others, something is drastically wrong. Remember, It’s not just the men who are paying
for this; it’s our children. If women
want equality, they should want it for everyone. Men are 50% of their children and unless
PROVEN unfit to parent should have 50% custody from the beginning of the divorce.
If the courts have concerns about the
children’s welfare, they can have follow-up visits for both parents. I am certain the statistics will prove the
children do much better with both parents involved in their lives. I am merely asking for equality for fathers
who love their children and don’t want to lose their rights as a father because
they are getting a divorce. It’s
unconscionable that this is even an issue.
It should be an inalienable right.
We claim as a society we want equality for all and we want
to have fathers involved in their children’s lives and yet in a divorce men
become nothing more than wage earners. Men
need to quit being women’s welfare at the children’s expense. If the courts think they are saving tax
dollars by awarding the children to the mother thus forcing the father to be
the provider, they are mistaken. They
will pay for it many times over down the road with all the expenses that are
attributed to a weakened society. Children
need their father’s to grow up and become emotionally and psychologically
functional human beings.
The following is a list of statistics taken from: http://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/
63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. (US
Department of Health/Census) – 5 times
the average.
85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from
fatherless homes -20 times the average.
80% of rapist with anger problems come from fatherless
homes-20 times the average.
71% of all high school drop outs come from fatherless
homes-9 times the average.
75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers
come from fatherless homes-10 times the average.
70% of youth in state operated institutions come from
fatherless homes-9 times the average.
85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes -20
times the average.
There are many more sites available with statistics for
fatherless children; none of them are favorable. Clearly fathers represent more
than just a paycheck to a child; they represent safety, protection, guidance,
friendship and someone to look up to. Clearly the courts don’t care about the
children! They care about providing for the mother and they do this with child support. I’m sorry, but this is a reputation the
courts have earned.
43% of US children live without their father [US Department
of Census]
49% of all child abuse cases are committed by single
mothers. Source: Joan Ditson and Sharon Shay, “A Study of Child Abuse in
Lansing, Michigan, “Child Abuse and Neglect, 8 (1984). There are just as many abusive mothers as
fathers so what is our excuse?
Do we really want to continue to contribute to these
figures?
Attorneys should be held accountable for finding effective ways
of defending men in a divorce. They
appear to be only too happy to collect their substantial fees, shuffle paper
work and then let things take their usual course in favor of the woman. The entire court system is heartless when it
deals with men in a divorce. This is big
business for them and they have no incentive to change. It’s up to the public to demand an end to
this. Legislators will only make or
change laws if it means votes for them.
They react to the largest organization putting pressure on them. There is and will be tremendous opposition to
change from people with authority who make a living in family courts and are
egotistical enough to think that after a few interviews and tests, they are
capable of deciding where your children belong. It’s up
to us to show how often they fail.
I am a 65 year old MN grandmother (yes I am a woman) who has
seen way too much. I have been told not to appear too upset. How does one not become upset over the loss of
our children’s fathers? I am not concerned about being politically correct;
I am concerned about getting the truth out. I am too old for games. I believe change begins with awareness. Men and women who see the injustice please
join me in this cause for our children and their fathers! Send this blog to everyone you know in MN. Print
it and post it wherever possible.
I have set up a blog at http://custodyequality.blogspot.com/
for stories of fathers that want to be more involved in their children’s lives
and have had that right unfairly taken away from them. I am asking fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts,
uncles, grandparents, stepmoms, and adult children caught in in MN divorces to
please tell your stories. If it is too
late for you to be helped, you can still help other fathers and children. That
is what I am trying to do. You can use your names or remain anonymous; please
let me know if you are from MN. Fathers,
I am asking you to please step out of your comfort zone and speak up for
yourself and your children. The people
in the courts tell you not to not to show anger because you will appear to have
anger issues. I believe this is a form
of control. Your anger comes from the
sadness of having your children unfairly taken away from you and they should
understand it. Your situation is akin to
having your children abducted, only you are also falsely accused and because of
this accusation, you must pay your accuser. I dare anyone to say they wouldn’t be angry under
these circumstances. It’s easy to take a
defeatist position when so much has gone wrong. I want you to fight for you and your children
rights! I am asking you not to use this
as a forum to bash your ex. I am looking
for stories that show how the divorce process has trampled on your rights as a
father. I want to present all of the
letters and or comments to the MN legislator’s. They will only respond positively if they know
the public is outraged enough to have an effect on their election or reelection.
Please, let’s put the pressure on. I know there are thousands of sad unfortunate
stories out there pertaining to fathers loosing custody and if they become
publicized, we will generate enough signatures and phone calls from the public
to make a difference. When I became
aware of how incongruous the system is I felt compelled to do something. If nothing else comes from this, at least I
will have had the satisfaction of speaking out.
Please join me! Without your help, this stops here!
I know there are honest attorneys who care more about children,
father’s equal rights and our society in general than following antique,
prejudice practices and procedures while helping to create a fatherless society
as they fill their pocketbooks. If you
want to help revise MN divorce and help create happier more stable children,
happier fathers, and a more stable society, we need to unite and make this an
agenda with our legislators. Please
contact my blog. http://custodyequality.blogspot.com/
I know last year a bill in favor of 35% custody for fathers made it all the way
to governor Dayton’s desk and then he vetoed it. I think it may have passed if more people had
been aware of it and let him know they were in favor of it. Though 35% is
better than what many fathers are getting now, it is still sad and unfair. Nothing less than 50% at the beginning of a
divorce is conscionable. Please care
enough to do something about this.
The mother of a loving caring son and two sad almost
fatherless grandsons.
